The Soldier of Mine

Tadi sore gue ngerapiin kamar di kampung halaman. Terus gue nemuin laptop jadul gue. Pas gue nyalain, gue nemu banyak banget kenangan-kenangan jadul tersimpan di sono. Mulai dari poto-poto gue jaman masih bangga banget pake gelang power-balance, sampe poto-poto sama mantan gue yang lagi tekun ngukir nama kita di WC umum pake tipe-x.

Terus, tiba-tiba mata gue terkunci pada sebuah folder bernama : "n0V3L 4L1tT". Yup.. Folder itu isinya adalah naskah-naskah gue dari jaman SMA. Pas gue nyoba baca naskah-naskah itu, beberapa menit kemudian gue lupa ingatan dan diare. Ternyata gue waktu itu bisa loh, nulis naskah cerpen dengan gaya tulisan 4L4y. Pantes waktu itu kelingking gue sering cantengan. Soalnya jari itu sering gue paksa buat mencet tombol SHIFT di keyboard biar keluar efek TuLiSaN kAyAx GiNi LoOhH..

Tapi di samping semua naskah-naskah itu, gue nemu sebuah naskah berbahasa inggris. Mihihihi.. Iya, gue dulu juga sempet iseng-iseng nulis cerpen dengan bahasa inggris. Umm.. Tapi naskah yang ini, sebenernya dulu sempet gue ajuin ke sebuah lomba naskah drama panggung berbahasa inggris gitu. Jadi, nggak layak disebut cerpen juga sih. Dan alhamdulillah, naskah gue ditolak.. Abis gue baca ulang, gue nyadar.. nyadar banget kenapa nih naskah ditolak. (Miiihihihihi..) Tapi.. ya sudah, daripada terbuang percuma, nih naskah mending gue pajang di blog aja.. Biar kalo emang ada nilainya, bisa jadi bahan renungan bersama. Karena sedikit-sedikit, ini juga inspired by special experience. Itu lah kenapa, buat temen-temen yang udah baca buku gue SKRIPSHIT pasti ngerasa familiar ama beberapa karakter di cerita ini.. :)

Naskah ini langsung gue copas dari doc. Gak ada editing, biar aroma tulisan teenager gue masih kental.. (ceilaaahh!!) So, dengan mengesampingkan grammar error gue, silakan dinikmati naskah gue ini ya guys! :D

-The Soldier of Mine-

When I was very young, I used to hear a lot of abuses and gruff words that I could not push away. Although I had closed my ears as strong as I could, those words were still heard so hard and clear for me. One question that appeared in my head, �what does it mean?�

 My small body laid down in the corner of a room that full of colorful stars and lights and there were some of my favorite dolls on the bed. I cried,

Dad : �Damn you!! Don�t try to complain to all those things that I did! It�s my business! Just close your trap or I�m going to tear it widely!!

Mom: (Crying) how could you treat me like this? I would have given you all, even if it means I have nothing anymore. You are cheating on me, Bastard!!

Dad : I said shut up!! (Sound of something breaks loudly)

Mom : Aaaaa!!!! You are trying to kill me, loser! How dare you are??

I walked toward them to watch what was happening,

Dad : (Looked at me) Hey!! Bastard son, what are you doing? Do you want to get the same thing just like your mother got? Come here!

Me : (stepped back slowly and afraid) No...

Mom : Don�t try to touch him, or I�m going to burry you alive! (Took me into her arms)

That man left us, walked toward his car and went away... And ever since, I never see him again..

That is just an example of my dark, hard, and disgusting days in the past. My past was a mess! I could not find any smile nor love among my family members. My daddy was the evil one in the family. Although I was his only child, he never thought that I need his love. I hate him! I really� really hate him..

When I was 4 years old, my parents divorced. Then I lived with my grand parents, because my Dad had gone away, and my mom had to live in another town, because she had to work there and no one was going to take care of me. Unfortunately, my �New Family� was not really different...

One day...

Grandpa : Johnny.. Look at this mess! Are you blind? Come on.. Pick up your stuffs and clean them up, stupid!!

Me : I�m sorry grandpa.. Okay... I�ll do it..

Yup, my grandpa was so rude.. It�s not only when he asked me to clean up something. Even when he asked me to study, he wouldn�t use the lovely words.

Grandpa : Johnny... you have to study hard, other wise, you�ll be a dummy who just makes this world becomes worse and you�ll be a part of World�s Trashes... remember it, stupid!!

Me : Alright, Grandpa..

My grandpa used to be a soldier... actually he is a wise person, but the way he taught and talked to me was so gruff. All those words that he told me always end with the word �Stupid�... It seems like I was perfectly useless! I didn�t know why he treated me so. Did he hate me? Who knows.. Anyway.. I respected him! Because I was scared of him.

My Grandma treated me well, full of love and patient... Anything she said always started with word �Dear� and ended with word �Baby�...

Grandma : Dear... Have you had your lunch? Would you like some cake or something? I do not want to see you get sick, baby..

Me : I don�t need your service.. I�m not handicapped.. I can do it by myself..

Grandma : (Smiles..)

Another day..

Grandma : Dear.. What are you doing?

Me : Don�t you see that I�m playing video game? Are you blind?

Grandma : Dear.. I�m so sorry for disturbing your activity.. I just want to tell you.. You can play anything and all the time you want, but do not forget your main job.. Study.. I really want to see you become a successful person then.. Let me tell you.. When you got wide knowledge in your head, means your future is on your hand.. You want to live whether in happiness or suffer.. It�s your choice.. Now, just continue your activity, but do not forget to study anytime you are ready.. Okay baby?

Me : Don�t try to judge what I should do.. Mind your own business!!

Grandma : (Smiles�)

Although my grandma treated me well, I used to treat her Gruffly.. I know it wasn�t fair, but I didn�t know why I treated her so.. Actually I felt comfortable whenever I met her.. Might be, this �comfortable� was the thing that pushed me to do such a thing.. I believed that she would understand about my condition.

In my childhood, I was known as a boy that really gruff. �No day without fighting� that was my motto. Almost everyday my grandparent was invited by the headmaster of my school because I made some mess. I punched my friend, broke their property, and the other juvenile delinquencies till I got no friend left. After my grandparent got the information about my juvenile, my grandpa always punished me with his hard punishment. Pushed up, ran around the yard, kind of military punishments, and last but not least.. Gruff words.. and I enjoy it..

Myy grandma usually gave me suggestions, suggestions and suggestions.. Lots of wise words and smile appeared from her mouth.. but, I didn�t like it!! Grandpa and grandma was not a matched couple.. Grandpa was gruff.. On the other hand, grandma was so Lovely.. I used to hear their arguments. Grandma was insulted by grandpa, and she just quiet and apologized though she didn�t make any fault.. Sometimes my heart said, �Why?? Why do they like to do that? Is it joyful?� but I wasn�t mature enough to understand it.. and actually I hate both of my grandparent cause they reminded me about my memory of my parent�s dispute .. But I could not express my feeling to my grandpa.. I was so afraid of him. So, why did I do the gruff things to my grandma? On the other hand, she loved me so.. Because I trusted her.. I believed that she would not against me. So I felt safe and comfortable to do anything I want to her..

One day, when Grandpa was drinking a cup of coffee in the living room..

Grandpa : Johnny.. my donkey.. Come here boy.. I want to tell you something..

Me : Alright grandpa..

Grandpa : Boy.. You are going to be graduated from senior high school by next month.. do you have any plan for your next step? If you don�t, it means you�re so stupid!

Me : Yes.. I have.. I want to continue my study in business.. I want to be a businessman..

Grandpa : (Spread up his coffee from his mouth) Hahahaha!!! Idiot! Do you really know what you are going to do? What a silly of you..

Me : what?? Why did you say such a thing?

Grandpa : Businessman is the most stupid job in this world!! Cheating to each other.. Lying to everybody.. Just for money.. Loser..

Me : so what do you want me to do?

Grandpa : I want you to follow my step.. be a soldier!! That is the way you should be..

I tried to understand what he was talking about and I don�t know why, I really could not accept his request.. Although I never refused his requests before..

Me : No grandpa.. I don�t want to be a soldier.. I want to live my life in my own way.. I�m sorry..

Grandpa : What?! Do you know what you are doing? How dare you are, Bastard son!!

Me : shut up, weak desperate old man!! I cannot bear again! I�ve been too long to be your slave!! Now just let me do what I want!!

Then I left him and I went to visit my mom.. My mom did not know what was happened between grandpa and me.. She only knew that I visited her for vacation. And I acted like everything was fine.

A couple of weeks, later my grandma called me by phone..

Grandma : Hallo Dear..

Me : What�s up?

Grandma : Dear.. Please go home immediately.. Your grandpa.. Your grandpa is hospitalized..

Me : I don�t care!! It�s not my business.. He deserves it!

Grandma : Ouch.. Dear.. Please� he really needs you..

Me : I said, No!!

(I closed the phone call immediately)

Then, I asked a question that always appeared in my mind to my Mom..

Me : Mom.. Why did Daddy leave us?

Mom : Your Daddy is an Evil, dear... he has no responsibility to us.

Me : Why did he do that?

Mom : Because he could not appreciate a thing called Love.

Me : What is Love? How do we appreciate it?

Mom : Love is a thing that we can not touch, but it is easy to be felt. Just like the air.. We can not touch it, but we can feel it, right? And we really need it.. can not live without it.. and How do we appreciate it? Just appreciate your life. Spend your life with a lovely way. Live your life with your lovely choice. Don�t hurt anybody, be something you want to be.

Me : Does it mean daddy did not choose the lovely choice? Why?

Mom : Because he did not believe in his heart. He believed in his brain.. He used to do the bad thing to the weak one and do the good thing to the stronger one to get some fun.. He chooses "FUN" rather than "LIFE" when he couldn't choose both. Weakness and love is pretty close, dear.. And I love him. That�s why I became so weak to him.

Me : Do you still love him?

Mom : Of course I do..

Me : if so, why did you let him go?

Mom : Because my heart had chosen the right thing that I should do to him.. That�s my lovely choice, dear.

Then I asked her about the problem I had with grandpa..

Me : Mom.. I can not live with granny.. I can not bear again. They had arguments everyday. Whenever they disputed, I remembered about daddy.. You took me to the same condition. Actually, I hate you mom, and also daddy and granny.. but I have no choices.. I have to live with you all. You are gruff persons with a gruff life, gruff language, and gruff behavior. I don�t want to be the same. I want to live my own life.

Mom : Ou yeah? I understood about your conditions, dear.. I knew that I was wrong to let you see those disgusting events.. I�m so proud of you.. You can think by your own idea.. I�d like to see you live your own life, and don�t follow us.. Actually I�m failed dear. I followed your grandparent�s way.. I could not live my own life.

Me : But mom.. I just made a big mistake, just like you said, �I follow their way..�

Mom : what does it means?

Me : I just refused grandpa�s request to be a soldier, because I want to be a businessman. I realized that he never loves me and he wants me to be his doll. He is an evil one! Now, he is hospitalized because of this problem. I�m so satisfied because I could do my revenge to him. Hahahaa..

*PLAK!!* (My mom slapped me on my cheek..)

Mom : Johnny!! (Crying) how dare you are? Don�t you know who took care of you since you were a child? You said that you hate us! You hate the way we live our life! But you just did the same thing that we did!

Me : but you don�t know how he treated me! He treated me gruffly.. He pretends me as his slave! He did not love me! So why I have to love him and treat him well? God just gave me this opportunity. So I used it well!

Mom : That is his behavior, John! No one can change his behavior! Even himself! Can�t you understand it? He grew in a gruff family, and worked as a soldier, so it�s very possible that he became a gruff man! I thought you were different from us� now I realize that I was wrong..(She kept crying�)

After I heard what my Mom said, I realized that I was the reflection of my daddy.. I don�t know what was happened to me.. I hate my dad, but I did the same thing just like what he did to my mom and me.

*Talking to myself* : I shouldn�t be here and let my grandpa dying.. I have to come to him and beg for his apology. I don�t care about his deeds. I just want to prove that I can be myself.

*In the hospital..*

Grandpa : Idiot! What are you doing here? I don�t need you to be here. You aren�t my grandson. You are Andrew�s (my dad�s name) son. I don�t want to see you again. Uhuk.. Uhuk!!

Me : I�m so sorry grandpa.. I didn�t mean to do such a thing to you.. I just want to be myself. I don�t like to be a soldier.

Grandpa : so why are you back here? I can not accept you if you still in your own idea! You aren�t my grandson! Stupid!

Me : okay grandpa.. I�ll go from here.. I guarantee that you won�t see me again..

Then I left my grandpa alone. Outside of my grandpa�s room, my grandma was waiting for me. When she saw me walked out, she called me and asked me,

Grandma : Johnny.. What was happened? It seems like you are so disappointed.

Me : I�m failed grandma.. I could not make him believes that I can be a man without his idea. I am failed to be his grandson. I am Andrew�s son.

Grandma : come here dear, let me tell you.. Your grandpa didn�t mean to do such a thing to you. He said that he doesn�t want you become a businessman, because he doesn�t want to see you follow your dad�s step. Don�t you realize what your dad had done to you? He left you just because his new business projects! He sacrificed you and your mom! Now, he lives in happiness and doesn�t care of you, right?

Even though your grandpa gruff, he has a big responsibility to his family. He had done a lot of sacrifices for this country and for his family. I remember when we were young, and your mom was a baby, actually we had two children, your mom and her little brother. It was war-age, the enemy attacked our area, and your grandpa tried to save us. But, unfortunately he could not save our son. Then, he was so disappointed to himself. He was so frustrated because he thought that he hadn�t any child who would follow his step anymore. But after you were born, he came up from his long hibernation and I could see a smile was raised on his lips again.

He found a new hope in you. Dear, I know that actually you are a good boy, and I realize that you are disappointed to the way he taught you. But he did it because he wanted to build you to be a strong man and he wanted to see his grandson become a knight. I don�t want to force you to be something that your grandpa want, but please think about it, dear. I know that you are mature enough, and you are wise enough to face this problem. (Smiles)

Me : Hhmmppff.. Alright grandma, just let me think about it.

I never thought that my grandpa was so great. I thought that he hate me because he hate my dad. I was so confused. I didn�t want to disappoint him, on the other hand, I didn�t want to disappoint myself.

After a long deep thought, finally I was ready to talk to my grandpa. I could not hide anymore. I had to face this fact.

I went to meet Grandpa (again)

Me : Grandpa.. I�m sorry to disturb you. I just want to talk to you.

Grandpa : what do you want? Aren�t you satisfied of all those things that you have done to me? You disappointed me, you insulted me, you hurt me so, Idiot.

Me : I�m so sorry grandpa.. But I really can�t accept your request. I never dreamed to be a soldier. I want to be a businessman.

Grandpa : so why are you back here?! It won�t change my idea about you, loser!

Me : Grandpa.. Don�t you think about my condition? Don�t you think about me if I accept your request to be a soldier? Actually, what is your purpose by asking me to be a soldier?

Grandpa : Let me tell you.. I�m so proud to be a soldier. I�m so proud to all those things that I�ve done for this country. I just want you feel the same when you are old, son. (His tears dropped)

Me : yeah.. I�m so proud of you, grandpa. But I don�t want to be a soldier just like what you ask me to be.. I think it�s useless to be a soldier who could fight for my country; but I couldn�t fight for my own right. I don�t care whether you agree to my idea or not, but it�s me grandpa.. I want to be a soldier of mine. A soldier who can fight for my right, my dreams and my life. Please believe me that I�m mature enough to find out my own way to continue my journey. Believe me that I won�t follow Andrew�s step. I don�t want to see my child becomes �The next Johnny�. I�m so sorry, grandpa.. I can�t be what you want me to be. I�m so sorry to destroy your hope. But it�s me, it�s my life...

(I stepped back and left that old man, but...)

Grandpa : Son.. Come here..

Me : What? Do you want to say the last �stupid� word to me?

Grandpa : I�m so proud of you.. I don�t care whether you won�t be a soldier. But you are right, son.. It�s better to be a soldier who can fight for his own right. It�s useless if you become a soldier because I force you. I�m so embarrassed son.. I�m sorry..

Me : It�s Okay, Grandpa.. Thanks for whole things that you�ve taught me.. and I think you�re a successful leader for me, general..

We hugged each other.. and grandma looked at us happily�

-THE END-

Masalah-Masalah Yang Paling Sering Dialami Oleh Anak Kost

Selama gue ngekost di Jogja, gue udah banyak makan asam-garam atau bahkan asam-lambung dari kehidupan.. Iye, udah hampir sewindu gue jadi mahasiswa,  dan selama itu juga gue jadi anak kost. Nah, sebagai anak kost, pastinya gue ngalamin banyak banget masalah-masalah yang hanya dihadapin oleh anak-anak kost. Mungkin di antara kalian, ada yang baru jadi anak kost? So, hari ini gue bakal bahas masalah-masalah yang sering dihadapin oleh anak kost. Biar kalian jadi waspada dan tau jalan keluar dari masalah itu. Cekidot!

1. Bokek

Jadi gue pernah ngalamin yang namanya seminggu nggak megang duit sepeser pun gara-gara telat gajian. Bayangin aja kalian hidup jauh dari orang tua dan sanak saudara, kelaperan, dan nggak bisa makan. Tentunya itu sangat mengenaskan. Nah, problem solvingnya, dulu gue selalu beli mie instant banyak-banyak tiap abis gajian. So, walaupun gue gak megang duit, gue masih bisa makan mie instant. Kadang gue makan secara mentah dengan diremukin, atau gue masak pake rice-cooker. Iye, seminggu berturut-turut gue makain mie instant terus. Setelah gaji gue turun, Alhamdulillah, duitnya langsung dipake buat bayar opname karena tifus.

2. Air mati

Kalian yang lagi nyari kost, plis banget perhatiin point ini. Pastiin air di calon kostan kalian itu lancar-lancar aja. Soalnya, gue pernah tuh ngalamin hidup 2 minggu tanpa air di kost gara-gara pompa air mati. Sedangkan yang punya kost, gak serumah sama gue. Jadinya doi cuek bebek aja gitu. Efeknya, gue nggak bisa nyuci piring, nyuci baju, dan cebok. Pernah gue nekat cebok pake soft-drink, tapi endingnya pantat gue dihajar sama segerombolan semut yang mencium ada bau gula di pantat gue. Bangun tidur, pantat gue bengkak kayak kue donat gosong.

3. Maag

Sakit maag tampaknya emang penyakit wajib bagi anak kost. Anak kost yang belom pernah ngerasain maag itu kayaknya belom jadi anak kost yang akhil-baliq. Tapi bukan berarti kalian harus sampe kena sakit maag biar dibilang gaul loh ya.. Kalo bisa, hindarin deh penyakit yang satu ini. Karena maag itu adalah penyakit seumur hidup. Sekali kalian kena, nggak bakal sembuh selamanya. Cuma bisa dicegah biar gak kambuh aja. Gue pernah ngalamin sakit maag yang level dewa, istilah medisnya Gastritis. Kalo udah kambuh, perut kembung ampe buncit, paru-paru rasanya kayak ditekan sama lambung sampe sesak nafas. Dan penyakit ini suka kambuh dari jam 11 malem ampe jam 3 pagi. Praktis, gue baru bisa tidur setelah jam 3 pagi. Empat jam sebelumnya gue pake buat salto, push-up, breakdance di kasur demi menikmati pedihnya dihajar oleh sakit maag.

Nah, kalo kalian nggak mau ngalamin hal yang sama, perhatiin deh pola hidup kalian. Iya, pola hidup.. bukan cuma pola makan. Maag gak cuma muncul karena telat makan, tapi juga karena stress yang berlebihan. Gue dulu kena maag gara-gara makan gak teratur karena keasyikan ngegame, dan stress karena revisi skripsi ditolak mulu sama dosen. Wajar lah gue kena maag, soalnya nggak ada cewek yang ngingetin gue buat makan.. Wajar lah kalo gue kena insomnia, soalnya nggak ada cewek yang ngingetin gue buat bobo.. Dan sekarang alhamdulillah udah nggak kambuh-kambuh lagi karena gue menerapkan gaya hidup sehat di mana gue selalu nyiapin camilan, dan nggak keseringan galau gara-gara skripsi biar gak stress.

4. Terlantar

Sebagai anak kost, kita diwajibkan buat hidup mandiri. So, kita harus bisa nyuci baju, nyuci piring, nyetrika sendiri. Dan moment paling menderita adalah kalo lagi sakit. Pastinya nggak bakal ada yang ngurus. Gue pernah pas lagi sakit, terpaksa manggil taksi, terus ke UGD sendirian karena gue kebetulan lagi jomblo. Jadi nggak ada tempat untuk mengeluh di kala sakit, mau pun di kala bokek. Bahkan, gue terpaksa ngerokin badan sendiri kalo lagi masuk angin.

Bayangin kalo misal gue punya pacar, pastinya hidup gue nggak akan terlantar. Ada yang ngerawat pas sakit, nyuciin piring setelah makan, nyuciin baju gue, nyetrikain pakaian gue, nyapu dan ngepel kamar gue, motongin rumput di depan rumah, dan nyuciin motor gue. Hmm.. indahnya hidup bila punya pacar ya~

5. Gak ada kendaraan

Anak kost yang nggak punya kendaraan bakal ribet banget hidupnya. Soalnya segala kebutuhannya kan kudu dicari di luar rumah. Misal tinggal di rumah sih, makan tinggal ngambil di meja makan, kalo anak kost mah kudu ke warung. Dan jarak rumah ke kampus bisa aja lumayan jauh. Kalo tiap hari dipaksain jalan kaki ke kampus, niscaya pas wisuda nggak cuma dapet toga, tapi muncul juga varises di kakinya.

Kalo gue dulu, semester-semester awal kuliah, kemana-mana pake sepeda BMX. Iya, kendaraan gak harus yang bermotor kok. Yang penting cukup meringankan kita aja kalo mau ke mana-mana. Jadi, buat kalian yang ngekost, usahain deh punya kendaraan. Karena dari pengalaman gue, temen-temen gue yang nggak punya kendaraan, efek sampingnya juga nggak bakal punya pacar. Kasian.

6. Jam Malam

Ada tipe kost yang mengaplikasikan jam malam, dimana kalo udah jam 9 malem, gerbang kost udah ditutup dan dikunci. Jadinya hidup di kost nggak bakal sebebas di rumah. Bayangin tiap kalian jalan, dan jam udah hampir menunjukkan pukul 9 malem, kalian bakal panik. Gebetan pasti bakal penasaran kan kalo kalian ajakin buru-buru pulang.

"Eh.. ayo pulang sekarang.. Udah hampir jam 9 nih.. bahaya!!"

"Hah??! Bahaya kenapa??"

"Kalo udah jam 9 malem, aku bakal berubah jadi siluman srigala.."

"....."

So, kalo mau agak enakan, cari kost yang jam malamnya nggak kesorean banget. Misal buat yang doyan jalan, cari deh kostan yang buka ampe jam 12 malem, atau yang tiap penghuninya dikasih kunci duplikat, biar kenyamanan kalian nggak terganggu juga.

7. Pak Kost

Namanya ngekost, udah pasti ada pak kost atau bu kost yang bakal merhatiin gerak-gerik kita selama ngekost. Gue pernah punya bapak kost yang rese. Dia galak banget. Saking galaknya, anak-anak suka manggil dia dengan nama Pak Hitler. Jadi, kalo ada temen gue yang numpang nginep di kost gue, Pak Hitler bakal minta duit Rp. 2.500 tiap malemnya. Terus, gue pernah liat anak sebelah kamar gue yang telat bayar kost sehari gara-gara tanggal merah, nyokapnya gak bisa kirim duit ke bank, Pak Hitler langsung dobrak pintu kamar temen gue itu dan nyeret barang-barangnya ke luar. Kalo dia udah ngamuk, dia suka boker sembarangan. Belakangan, kita baru tau kalo dia lagi diare.

So, buat temen-temen yang mau milih kost, usahain bener-bener teliti dalam menebak karakter pak Kost kalian. Gue dulu juga sempet ketipu sih, soalnya pak Hitler ini keliatan ramah, baik dan bersahabat waktu gue mau masuk kostan dia. Eh.. pas gue udah bayar, sifat aslinya keluar, kepalanya keluar tanduk, pantatnya keluar buntut, jambangnya tumbuh melebat, nyambung ke pantat.

8. Temen Rese

Kalo temen rese sih pasti bakal ada di mana-mana. Nggak cuma di kampus, sekolah, kelas.. tapi juga di kost. Contoh temen rese itu kayak yang demen berisik kalo malem. Iya, gue pernah punya temen sebelah kamar yang berisiknya naudzubillah. Kalo temen-temennya lagi pada main, mereka pasti rame-rame gitaran atau mabok-mabokan di kamar dia. Itu sih belom seberapa ngeselin. Yang paling bikin gue kesel itu kalo ada yang pacaran, dan berisik. Sebagai Tuna-Asmara, gue mengalamin kecemburuan sosial yang sangat mendalam karena hal itu. Contohnya kayak temen kost sebelah gue. Kalo pacarnya lagi dateng, pasti berisiknya bikin kuping dan hati jadi panas. Contohnya, kalo mereka berdua lagi di kamar, gue sering banget gagal tidur siang karena ceweknya teriak-teriak:

"Sayang.. jangan kenceng-kenceng."

"Sayang.. awas.. awas!!!"

"LEHER GUE JANGAN LO INJEK, GOBLOG!!"

So, kalo bisa, cari kost yang nggak terlalu banyak kamarnya deh. Biar elo gak dibikin stress sama anak-anak gitaran rame-rame, terus temen sebelah kamar yang pacaran berisik, dan pak kost yang rese..

Kayaknya itu dulu deh yang bisa gue share tentang masalah-masalah yang paling sering menimpa anak kost. Kalo kalian punya masalah lain selama kalian ngekost dan belom gue share di atas, silakan share di comment box yah! Thank you! :D

Kontes Foto Ngeden

Jadi tadi pagi, tepatnya pas subuh, gue merenung di jamban. Gue emang paling demen merenung di jamban, karena jamban adalah ladang inspirasi yang lebih luas dari samudera. Nah, kebetulan di jamban gue, tepat di depan kloset gue kasih cermin gede. Sengaja, biar gue tau gimana wajah ganteng gue kalo lagi ngeden. Apakah tampang gue bakal tetep mirip Vicky Nitinegoro? Apakah kalo gue ngeden leher gue bakal muncul Varises kayak Hulk? Apakah kalo liat gue ngeden, Raisa bakal ngajak gue duet?

Terus pas ngeden gitu, gue dapet inspirasi buat ngetweet kayak gini:

Nah, dari tweet itu, banyak banget cewek-cewek yang denial.. Bilang kalo emang cantik, ya mau gimana aja tetep cantik kek.. Ini kek, itu kek.. Terus, muncul ide iseng gue buat bikin mereka bongkar aib sendiri.. Muehehehehe..

Gue tantangin mereka buat ngeshare poto mereka kalo pas ngeden di saat boker. Yap! Harus di saat boker.. Dan dengan iming-iming pulsa 150ribu, mereka mau ngikutin tantangan gue.. Miiihihihihi.. contoh potonya kayak yang diperagakan adek-adek di bawah ini:

aaawww Yeah! The Bomb is coming down!! BLARRR!!!

Ini adalah contoh teknik boker yang dipadukan dengan parkour.. Agak ekstrem emang..

Kontes Poto Ngeden ini gue mulai tadi pagi setelah subuh, dan ditutup pas Adzan Maghrib.. Kurang lebih dalam 12 jam, ada ratusan poto muka ngeden yang dikirim ke gue via twitter dan email. Berkat poto-poto itu, gue jadi nggak laper sama sekali, bahkan sampe saat buka puasa. Iya, gue eneg. So, gue bakal share sebagian foto-foto ngeden hasil kiriman temen-temen di postingan ini. Nggak semuanya bisa gue tampilin sih, soalnya mustahil banget gue ngeshare ratusan poto orang ngeden dalam satu postingan. Bisa-bisa blog gue dicekal om Tif Sembiring, ntar.. And.. Here they are!

"Nama gue @TaufiqWildn, dan gue adalah bintang iklan Kloset goyang Asli Purwokerto. B-)"

Agak susah emang, ngebedain si @Kucit ini lagi ngeden atau nangisin mantan.

Mungkin di antara kalian ada yang follow @vabyo? Ini orangnya! Ternyata gini ekspresi dia pas lagi cebok pake air mendidih.

 Mungkin e'eknya @GynnaDewi penuh biji cabe, mukanya mengenaskan gitu..

Gue nggak tau si @lindaaritonang ini lagi ngeden atau lagi nunggu petasan meletus.

Tampaknya si @RifkaMango ini ngedennya sepenuh hati, ampe giginya lari ke mana-mana gitu.. Keren.

Nama : @WillyBaskara, Hobby: Ngasih makan ikan Lele.

Gue nggak yakin si @aaryaa_ ini lagi boker atau nyoba ngeluarin granat dari pantatnya.

Si @DantonDanton7 ini kira-kira lagi boker apa ngelahirin biawak mesir? Mukanya ampe keringetan gitu..

Gue yakin @iancahyanto ini kalo boker sambil nyanyi lagu "We Are The Champion".

Gue lagi ngebayangin @AyuSetioardi01 boker dengan e'ek sepanjang 5 Meter. Mukanya kayaknya teraniaya banget.. Bokernya nggak kelar-kelar..

Yap! Itu tadi beberapa foto yang gue anggep nggak jaim, ekspresi natural, dan cukup mencoreng nama baik keluarga. Foto-foto yang lain bagus-bagus sih, cuman masih ada sedikit sentuhan jaim gitu deh.. Dan banyak yang gak lolos seleksi karena potonya nggak di WC. Kan tadi pagi gue udah bilang potonya kudu di WC dan pas boker.. So, jangan kecewa. Next time gue bakal sering-sering bikin seru-seruan lagi. Gapapa hadiah dikit, yang penting kita bisa saling ngehibur. Ya nggak? :D

Oiyah.. Gue hampir lupa.. Tadi pagi gue kan ngejanjiin hadiah pulsa total 150 rebu. Jadi mending hadiahnya gue pukul rata buat bertiga aja yah.. Lumayan kan dapet pulsa 50 ribu.. Bisa buat nelpon customer service di malam minggu buat yang jomblo (dan gue yakin, misal kalian gak jomblo, pacar kalian bakal ngajak putus setelah liat poto kalian di sini). Atau, buat download wallpaper Syahrini buat penghapus perihnya hidup sendiri.. Dan.. Setelah menimbang, mengukur, serta mendoakan kesembuhan mental para peserta, berikut gue umumin tiga orang pemenang kontes #PotoNgeden hari ini!

JENK! JENK! JENK!

Ntah kenapa liat muka @RezaGuntara bikin gue inget film-film kungfu Cina jadul.. Iya.. Muka dia kayak Vampir Cina yang abis nyedot darah orang Hepatitis..

Kalo liat si @GendutGembul ngeluarin ekspresi kayak gini, gue jadi ngebayangin seberapa Pulen e'eknya.. -______-"

Ini adalah poto ekspresi ngeden paling gokil hari ini.. @RezkyNursaid berhasil bikin gue kehilangan selera makan sampe idul adha taun depan.. Selamat!

Yap.. Selamat! Masing-masing pemenang berhak untuk mendapatkan pulsa 50ribu dari gue. Buat para pemenang, ntar kirim nomer hape kalian ke email gue shitlicious(at)gmail(dot)com dengan subject sebuah kalimat rahasia yang ntar gue DM ke akun twitter kalian untuk menghindari pihak-pihak yang mungkin kurang bijaksana. So, Selamat ya! I'm so glad to have friends like you guys. 

Hidup cuma sekali.. Kelak kalian mungkin akan menyesali beberapa hal yang pernah kalian lakukan, tapi yakinlah, kelak kalian akan lebih menyesali hal-hal yang belom sempat kalian lakukan di masa muda. :)

Dan.. Setelah liat poto-poto di atas, kalian masih yakin, ada orang ngeden dan tetep keliatan cakep? :p

Cek kontes-kontes Sesat lain yang pernah gue bikin di SINI, SINI, dan SINI.

P.S: Semoga orang tua kalian nggak baca postingan ini. Karena gue nggak mau tanggung jawab kalo besok kalian dibawa ke Psikiater. Bye-Bye! :D